The night I did absolutely nothing.

Today, I left work at 5:03pm, drove home, fed the animals, let the dog out, got into my jammies, and got in bed.

“Hold on now,” you say. “Isn’t it a red flag when someone with anxiety/depression issues spends an entire evening in bed?”

Short answer: yes. If you notice a friend or family member is having difficulty doing anything but lying in bed, that may be a sign that they should go talk to a doctor. However, for me, this was progress.

This is the first night in ages that I felt completely comfortable in my own company. Most nights, I need to do something – go shopping, clean, knit, bug boyfriend, etc. Sometimes because it needs to be done, but a lot of times to distract from constant over-thinking and bad moods. However, tonight, I felt truly relaxed. I didn’t feel the need to occupy my mind. Instead, I was able to turn my mind off which was lovely. I chilled out in my cozy bed (I’m writing this from bed now to be quite honest), watched 12 episodes of Friends (Bless you, Netflix), played with the cat and dog, and now I’m about to finish the night by reading.

Sure, this time could have been better spent. I could have cooked supper instead of having a bowl of cereal. I could have finished knitting my scarf. But honestly, I think I needed this more than another night of forced productivity. Today, so many of us feel so pressured to be ON all the time. You’re busy at work and/or school. And then you come home and you’re busy with life stuff. And then you have to make dinner plans with this person, and coffee dates with that person, and clean the dishes because your mother is coming to visit. And then, if you’re not breaking into song and dance with happiness, you are judged. So you put on a huge smile and keep going because you feel that you have to. And if there’s anything more exhausting than never having a moment to yourself, it’s pretending to be happy about it.

So tonight I did nothing. And I couldn’t be happier.

Good-Bye 2014. Or should I say good riddance?

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2014 was not my favourite year.

Since January 1st, 2014 I have:

  • Been diagnosed with anxiety and depression after I could barely sleep or get through a week without having an anxiety or panic attack.
  • Moved TWICE in two months.
  • Lost a valuable friendship because of poor circumstances.
  • Figured out finances, and then messed it up again.
  • Gained 15 pounds (Any other stress-eaters out there?)
  • Put strain on a wonderful relationship by bringing too much outside influence in.
  • Cried more in a year than I have in my adolescent/adult life

In 2014, I faced some of the most difficult situations I’ve ever had to. And while I do believe it’s life’s challenges that gives us the opportunity to learn and become better people, there is a point when it becomes too much to handle. Most of the above could have easily been handled by regular old Katie, but the anxiety/depression made sure that it was all a struggle.

That’s not to say there haven’t been some wonderful moments in 2014. I bought my first car (FREEDOM) and adopted a new friend from the SPCA in August. I also transferred to a new job, which was the position I actually changed career paths for. So it hasn’t all been bad, just clouded by negativity.

Skip ahead to January 1st 2015.

Here’s the deal. 2014 was not my favourite year so I want to make up for all my bad moods and crying spells by making 2015 all about me. A lot of what I do (or don’t do) I’ve learned is often influenced by other people – what would thisperson think if I tried this? People will think I’m ridiculous if I do that. I don’t want to do this alone so I’m not going to. etc. 

I’ve decided that I’m tired of putting other people’s opinions and needs before my own. I realized this when I asked my boyfriend if it was ok with him if I tried Roller Derby. His reaction: “You don’t need my permission for that. It’s up to you.”

I actually asked permission to do something for myself. WHO AM I!?

When I say that 2015 is the year of Katie, I mean that I hope to do a lot more things for myself this year, and not be so dependent on other people for happiness. Over the past year, I feel that I’ve really lost a sense of who I am. Maybe this is the quarter-life crisis John Mayor sang of, but whatever it is, it needs to be done.

I know it’s cliched to start something like this in the new year as a resolution, but why not. This year, maybe I’ll go to a movie by myself. Maybe I’ll take a week’s vacation and spend it in Twillingate. Maybe I’ll lose weight, or take up a dance class, or actually make it to one of the roller derby teams. It doesn’t matter what I do, as long as I do it for myself. And hopefully I’ll find some of the pieces of Katie that are lying around here somewhere.